Do you consider the book to be autobiographical?
Well, I mean...
...isn't everything autobiographical?
I mean, we all see the world through our own tiny keyhole, right?
I mean, I always think of Thomas Wolfe.
Have you ever seen that little one-page "Note to Reader"...
...in the front of Look Homeward, Angel?
Anyway, he says that we are the sum of all the moments of our lives...
...and anybody who sits down to write will use the clay of their own life...
...that you can't avoid that.
So when I look at my own life, I have to admit, right, that l...
I've never been around a bunch of guns or violence, you know, not really.
No political intrigue or a helicopter crash, right?
But my life, from my own point of view, has been full of drama, right?
And so I thought, if I could write a book...
...that could capture what it's like to really meet somebody...
One of the most exciting things that's happened to me...
...is to meet somebody, make that connection.
And if I could make that valuable, you know, to capture that...
...that would be the attempt, or...
Did I answer your question?
I'll try to be more specific.
Was there ever a French young woman on a train you met...
...and spent an evening with?
See, to me, that... I mean...
...that's not important, you know? - So that's a yes?
All right, since I'm in France and this is the last stop of my book tour, yes.
Thank you.
Mr. Wallace, the book ends on an ambiguous note.
We don't know.
Do you think they get back together in six months...
...like they promise each other?
Like they promised?
I think how you answer that, you know, is...
It's a good test, right, if you're a romantic or a cynic.
Right? I mean, you think they get back together, right?
- You don't, for sure. - No.
And you hope they do, but you're not sure.
- That's why you're asking the question. - Do you think they get back together?
I mean, did you in real life?
Did I in real...?
Look, in the words of my grandfather, okay:
"To answer that would take the piss out of the whole thing."
We just have the time for one last question.
What is your next book?
I don't know, man. I don't know.
I've been... I've been thinking about this...
Well, I always kind of wanted to write a book...
...that all took place within the space of a pop song.
Like three or four minutes long, the whole thing.
The story, the idea, is that there's this guy, right...
...and he's totally depressed.
His great dream was to be a lover, an adventurer, you know...
...riding motorcycles through South America.
And instead he's sitting at a marble table eating lobster.
He's got a good job and a beautiful wife, right, but that...
Everything that he needs. But that doesn't matter...
...because what he wants is to fight for meaning.
You know? Happiness is in the doing, right?
Not in the getting what you want.
So he's sitting there, and just that second...
...his little 5-year-old daughter hops up on the table.
And he knows that she should get down, because she could get hurt.
But she's dancing to this pop song in a summer dress.
And he looks down...
...and all of a sudden, he's 16.
And his high-school sweetheart is dropping him off at home.
And they just lost their virginity, and she loves him...
...and the same song is playing on the car radio.
And she climbs up and starts dancing on the roof of the car.
And now he's worried about her.
And she's beautiful, with a facial expression just like his daughter's.
In fact, maybe that's why he even likes her.
You see, he knows he's not remembering this dance...
...he's there. He's there, in both moments, simultaneously.
And just for an instant, all his life is just folding in on itself.
And it's obvious to him that time is a lie.
That it's all happening all the time...
...and inside every moment is another moment...
...all happening simultaneously.
Anyway, that's kind of the idea. Anyway.
Our author has to be going to the airport soon...
...so thank you all very much for coming over this afternoon.
And a special thanks to Mr. Wallace for being with us.
Thank you. Thank you.
We hope to see you here again with your next book.
Thank you all. How much longer before I have to go to the airport?
Oh, you should leave at 7:30...
- Seven-thirty at the very latest. - Okay.
- Hi. - Hello.
- How are you? - Good, and you?
I'm good, yeah, I'm great. I'm...
Do you wanna, maybe, get a cup of coffee?
Didn't he just say you have a plane to catch?
Yeah. But, I mean, I have a little time.
- Okay. - Yeah? All right, well, let me...
I'll meet you outside. Okay.
Excuse me. I'm just gonna go get a cup of coffee.
- I'll be back at 7:15. - Did you sign all these?
- Yeah, I sure did. - Get your driver Philippe's card...
...so you can call his cell if you're running late.
We'll put your bags in the car so you're not late.
- All right, thanks for everything. - Thank you.
Which one's Philippe?
- I can't believe you're here. - I live here in Paris.
Are you sure you don't have to stay? You're not supposed to talk more?
They're sick of me. I spent the night here.
- You did? - Yeah, they got a loft upstairs.
- How are you? This is so weird. - I'm fine.
- It's good to see you. - It's good to see you.
- So you want to go to a café? - Yeah.
Okay. There's one a little further that I like.
I thought I was gonna totally lose it in there when I first saw you.
How did you know I was gonna be here?
It's my favorite bookstore in Paris. You can sit down for hours and read.
I love it. There's fleas, but, you know...
I know. I think a cat slept on my head last night.
I saw your picture on the calendar about a month ago...
...and that you were going to be here.
It's funny, because I read an article on your book...
...and it sounded vaguely familiar. - Vaguely? Yeah.
But I didn't put it all together until I saw your photo. So...
Did you have a chance to read it?
Yes, I...
I was really, really surprised, as you can imagine.
I mean, I had to read it twice, actually.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
No, I liked it. It's very romantic.
I usually don't like that, but it's really well-written.
- It's well-written. Congratulations. - All right. Thank you.
- Wait. - What?
Before we go anywhere, I have to ask you...
Sure. What?
Did you show up in Vienna that December?
- Did you? - No, I couldn't. But did you?
- I need to know. It's important to me. - Why, if you didn't?
Well, did you?
No.
Thank God you didn't.
- Oh, my God. - Thank God you didn't.
Thank God I didn't and you didn't. If one of us had showed up alone...
...that would have sucked. - I was so concerned.
I felt horrible about not being there, but I couldn't. My grandma died...
...and she was buried that day, December 16th.
- The one in Budapest? - Yes. You remember that?
- I remember everything. - Of course, it was in your book.
But anyway, I was about to fly to Vienna, you know...
...and we heard the news about her, and of course I had to go to the funeral.
Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that.
I know. But you weren't there anyway.
Wait. Why weren't you there?
I would have been there if I could have. I made plans...
You better have a good reason.
What?
Oh, no.
No, you were there, weren't you?
Oh, no, that's terrible!
I'm laughing, but I don't mean it.
Did you hate me? You must've hated me.
- Have you been hating me all this time? - No.
- Yes, you have. - No.
But you can't hate me now, right?
- I mean, my grandma... - I don't hate you. It's no big deal.
I flew all the way over there, you blew the thing off.
My life's been a big nosedive since, but it's not a problem.
- No, I'm kidding. - Don't say that. I can't believe it.
You must have been so angry with me. I'm so sorry.
I wanted to be there, more than anything in the world.
- Honestly, I swear... - You can't be angry, my grandmother...
I know. I honestly thought that something like that might have happened.
I was definitely bummed, but...
Mostly I was mad we hadn't exchanged any phone numbers or any information.
That was so stupid. No way to get in touch.
- Nothing to go on. - I didn't know your last name.
Remember, we were both afraid if we started writing and calling...
...that it would slowly fade out. - It definitely wasn't a slow fade.
No, it sure wasn't.
We wanted to pick up where we left off.
Which would have been fine if it had worked. Oh, well.
So...
- How long were you in Vienna, then? - Just a couple days.
Did you meet another girl?
Yeah, her name was Gretchen and she was amazing.
The book's really a composite of the two of you.
No, I'm kidding. You wouldn't believe... I even went back to the train station.
I put up signs of my number in the hotel in case you'd been delayed.
- I was a total dork. - Let's go this way. Did you get any calls?
Just a couple hookers looking for a gig.
No, it was awful, I mean, what do you want me to say?
It's so sad. I'm so sorry.
I walked around for a couple days. Eventually, I flew home.
I owed my dad 2000 bucks...
...who had warned me about French chicks.
What did he tell you about French women?
Nothing. He's never met any French women.
He's never been east of the Mississippi.
Why didn't you put, "Six months later, the French bitch didn't show up"?
No, but I did, I did.
- You did? - Yeah. No. I made it more hopeful.
I wrote this fictional version where you do show up.
- Oh, what happens? - Well...
What?
We make love for about 10 days straight, that's one part of it.
- Interesting. So the French slut, right? - Yeah, exactly.
It's just then they get to know each other better...
...and realize they don't get along at all.
- I like that. It's more real. - My editor didn't think that way.
Everyone wants to believe in love. It sells.
Yeah, exactly, so...
So things are going well for you, right? I mean...
- Your book is a bestseller in the U.S. - It's a tiny bestseller.
- Oh, come on. - All right. Officially, yes.
Most people haven't read Moby Dick. Why should they read my book?
I haven't read Moby Dick and I liked your book.
- Thanks. - Even though...
...I thought you idealized the night of it.
Come on, it's fiction, right?
- I'm supposed to... - I know, I know.
I know. I thought there were times where you made me...
Well, I mean, her, right? No, me. Okay, whatever.
- A little bit neurotic. - You are a bit like that, aren't you?
- You think I'm neurotic? - No, no, no. Come on, I'm kidding.
Where did I do that? I didn't do that.
Oh, maybe it's just me, you know...
Reading something, knowing the character is based on you...
...it's both flattering and disturbing at the same time.
How is it disturbing?
I don't know. Just being part of someone else's memory.
Seeing myself through your eyes.
How long did it take you to write it?
Three or four years, on and off.
Wow, that's a really long time to be writing about one night.
Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.
I always assumed you had forgotten me.
No, I had a pretty clear picture of you in my mind.
- I have to tell you something. I just... - What?
I've wanted to talk to you for so long that now... It's just surreal, you know?
I feel like everything should be...
How long do we have? Twenty minutes and 30 seconds?
We got more than that. I wanna know about you.
Tell me, what are you doing? What are you up to?
Where to start? I work for Green Cross. It's an environmental organization.
What are they all about?
We basically work on different environment issues...
...from clean water to disarmament of chemical weapons.
International laws that deal with the environment.
- What do you do for them? - We're going this way.
Different things.
Like, last year I was in India for a while, working on a water-treatment plant.
Well, the cotton industry there is a major source of pollution, so...
I mean, it sounds like you're actually doing something.
Most people, myself included, just sit around and bitch.
You know, how America's consuming all the world's resources, SUVs suck...
...global warming is real...
I'm relieved to hear you're not one of those "freedom fries" Americans.
Hey, you know... But how'd you get into that?
I came out of political science, hoping to work for the government.
- And I did for a little while. Terrible. - Not good?
Yeah, no. Anyway, I got really tired... Let's go this way.
Having this endless conversation with friends...
...about how the world was falling to pieces.
So I decided what I really wanted to do was...
...to find things that could be fixed and try to fix them, you know?
You know, I always thought you'd be doing something cool like that. I did.
Thanks. I just feel really, really lucky to be doing a job I like, you know?
Yeah.
I actually alternate in between thinking everything is irrevocably screwed up...
...and things might be getting better in ways.
Better? How could you possibly say that?
Well, I just mean, you know, like...
I know it sounds weird, but there are things to be optimistic about.
Okay... I know your book is selling, which is great, I'm very happy for you.
But let me break the news to you: The world is a mess right now.
From a Western view, things are getting a bit better.
We're moving industry to developing nations where we can get cheap labor...
...free of any environmental laws. The weapon industry is booming.
Five million people die a year from preventable water disease.
How is the world getting better? I'm not angry, I'm not angry.
But come on, I want to know. I'm interested.
I realize that there are a lot of serious problems in the world.
- Okay. Thank you. - I mean, I don't even have...
...one publisher in the Asian market. - Okay. All right.
- Say stop. - What? Stop.
Look, all I'm saying is there's more awareness. People are gonna fight back.
The world might be getting better because people like you...
...are educated and speaking out.
Even the very notion of conservation, environmental issues...
...weren't in the vocabulary till fairly recently.
And they're becoming the norm and eventually might be what's expected.
I agree with what you're saying, but at the same time it's dangerous.
An imperialist country can use that kind of thinking...
...to justify their economic greed.
Is there any particular imperialist country you have in mind, there, Frenchie?
- No, not really. - No?
- So you wanna sit over there? - Yeah, this is perfect.
Oh, wow. Maybe what I'm saying is...
...the world might be evolving the way a person evolves.
Like, I mean, me, for example. Am I getting worse?
Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier...
...but I was wracked with insecurity, you know?
Now I'm older and my problems are deeper...
...but I'm more equipped to handle them.
So, what are your problems?
Right now I don't have any. I don't, you know? I'm just...
...damn happy to be here.
Me too.
So how long have you been in Paris?
I got in last night. I've done 10 cities in 12 days.
I'm wrecked. I'm so glad it's over, you know?
I'm tired of being a huckster.
- Hi. - Hello.
What do you want?
A cup of coffee.
God, I love this café. I wish they had places like this in the U.S.
Yeah, I missed cafés when I was living over there.
I mean, I find a few places I really liked, but there was...
- You were living in the U.S.? - Yes, from '96 to '99.
I was studying at NYU.
Oh, God, don't tell me that, Celine.
- What? - No, it's just...
- Nothing, I mean, l... - What?
I've been living in New York since '98. We were there at the same time.
- In New York? - Yeah.
That's weird. It actually crossed my mind a few times that I might run into you...
...but the odds are so slim, right? So...
I didn't even know what city you were in.
- Weren't you somewhere in Texas? - Yeah, yeah, definitely. I just...
I was for a long time. I just, you know, wanted to try New York.
What brought you back here?
I had finished my master's, for one...
...and no visa, no more visa.
And I was starting to get paranoid. All the violence in the medias:
Gang violence, murders, especially serial killers...
But the final straw was...
...one night I heard some noise on my fire escape...
...so I called 911, and the cops came eventually.
- Like three hours later. - Yeah, after I had been raped and killed.
No, but it was a man and a woman officer.
I was explaining what I had heard...
...when the woman had to go move the police car.
I was left alone with the male cop.
Right away he asked me if I had a gun, and I said, "No, of course not."
And he told me, "Well, you better think about getting one.
This is America, not France. Okay?"
And I said to him, "I have no idea how to shoot a gun...
...and I have no interest in firearms whatsoever."
And that's when he pulled out his gun, like this, and he went:
"Well, one day, you're gonna have something like this in your face...
...and if you wanna have a long life...
...you're gonna have to choose between you or them."
And then they left. And the next morning I called for an application to get a gun.
Me with a gun. I mean, that's really scary.
But then I realized something was wrong.
The way that cop had pulled his gun out, and everything, right?
So I canceled my demand for the gun...
...and I called the police and tried to complain about that cop.
- What happened with that? - It was so much paperwork...
...and then I got scared, with my shitty student visa...
- Thought you'd get deported? - Exactly. I gave up...
...and forgot about the whole thing.
- Well, I guess I never forgot. - Obviously.
But still, you know, I really enjoyed being there.
- There's lots of things I miss in the U.S. - Yeah? Like what?
Well...
The overall good mood people have there.
Like, even if it can be bullshit sometimes.
Like, "How you doing?" "Great." "How you doing?" "Great!"
"Have a great day!"
I don't know. Parisians can be so grumpy. Have you noticed?
No, everybody seems pretty happy to me.
- They're not happy. No. - They're not happy?
No, they are. I don't know. I just mean French men. They drive me nuts.
What is it? What about them?
Well, they're very nice. They're great, you know, to be around.
They love food, wine, they're great cooks.
But I've had really bad luck with them.
Why? What do you mean?
- Well, I guess they're not as... - What?
What's the word?
- Horny? They're not as horny. - Horny?
Wait, listen to me on this one. In that regard, I am proud to be an American.
And you should be. In that regard only.
Have you ever spent time in Eastern Europe?
Eastern... No, I don't. Thank you.
I remember as a teenager I went to Warsaw...
...when it was still a strict communist regime.
- Which I don't approve of at all. - Sure you don't.
- No, I don't. - I'm just kidding.
But anyway, something about being there was very interesting.
After a couple of weeks, something changed in me.
The city was quite gloomy and gray...
...but after a while, my brain seemed clearer.
I was writing more in my journal...
...ideas I'd never thought of before... - Communist ideas?
- Listen, I'm not... - I'm sorry, l...
- Okay. - Go on.
Okay. I'll send you to a gulag later.
No. But it took me a while to figure out why I felt so different.
One day, as I was walking through the Jewish cemetery...
...I don't know why, but it occurred to me there...
...I realized that I had spent the last two weeks away from most of my habits.
TV was in a language I didn't understand...
...there was nothing to buy, no advertisements anywhere...
...so all I'd been doing was...
...walk around, think, and write. My brain felt like it was at rest...
...free from the consuming frenzy. It was almost like a natural high.
I felt so peaceful inside. No strange urge to be somewhere else...
...to shop...
It could have seemed like boredom at first...
...but it became very, very soulful.
It was interesting, you know?
Can you believe it was nine years ago we were walking around Vienna?
- Nine years? No, that's impossible. - No, it was. It feels like two months.
But it was summer '94.
Do I look any different?
I do?
I'd have to see you naked.
- What? - I know, I'm sorry.
Your hair was different back then. It was like...
- It's the same... Oh, down. - Yeah, take it down.
Down. Okay, it was down. Okay.
Well? Voilà.
So?
Okay, come on. Tell me.
Skinnier, I think. A little thinner.
Did you think I was fat before?
- No... - Yeah, you thought I was a fatty.
No, you thought I was a fatty. You wrote a book about a fat French girl.
- No, listen. - Oh, no.
Seriously, all right? You look beautiful.
Do I look any different?
No. Not at all. Actually, you have this line.
- I know. - It's like a scar.
- A scar? Like a gunshot wound? - No, no, no. I like it. I'm sorry.
I had this funny... Well, horrible dream the other day.
I was having this awful nightmare that I was 32.
And then I woke up, and I was 23. So relieved.
And then I woke up for real, and I was 32.
- Shit, man. It happens. - Scary.
Time goes faster and faster. Apparently, it's because...
...we don't renew synapses after our 20s, so it's downhill from then on.
I like getting older, you know? Life feels...
I don't know, it feels more immediate. Like I can appreciate things more.
No, me too, actually. I really love it.
I was once...
...a drummer in a band.
- You were? - Yeah. We were pretty good, actually.
But the lead-singer guy, he was just so obsessed with us getting a record deal.
It's all we talked about, thought about, getting bigger shows.
Everything was just focused on the future all the time. And now...
...the band doesn't even exist anymore.
And looking back at the shows we did play...
...even rehearsing, it was just so much fun.
I just... Now I'd enjoy every minute of it. Could I have a drag of that?
Well, your book has been published. That's a pretty big deal.
You've been all around Europe. Are you enjoying every minute of it?
- Not really. - Not really?
No.
- Do you have another one of those? - Yes, of course.
Here.
In my field, I see these people that... Oh, sorry.
Come into it with big, idealist visions...
...of becoming the leader that will create a better world.
They enjoy the goal, but not the process.
- Right. - But the reality of it is...
...the true work of improving things is in the little achievements.
- That's what you need to enjoy. - What do you mean, exactly?
I was working for this organization that helped villages in Mexico.
And their concerns was how to get the pencils...
...sent to the kid in those little country schools.
It was not about big, revolutionary ideas. It was about pencils.
I see the people that do the real work, and what's really sad is that...
...the people that are the most giving, hardworking...
...and capable of making this world better...
...usually don't have the ego and ambition to be a leader.
They don't see any interest in superficial rewards.
They don't care if their name ever appear in the press.
They actually enjoy the process of helping others.
- They're in the moment. - Yeah, but that's so hard...
...you know, to be in the moment. I mean, I feel like I'm...
...designed to be slightly dissatisfied with everything, you know?
It's like always trying to better my situation.
I satisfy one desire, and it just agitates another.
And then I think, to hell with it, right? Desire's the fuel of life.
You know? Do you think it's true...
...that if we never wanted anything, we'd never be unhappy?
I don't know. Not wanting anything, isn't that a symptom of depression?
Yeah, that is, right? I mean, it's healthy to desire, right?
Yeah. I don't know. It's what all those Buddhist guys say, right?
Liberate yourself from desire, and you'll find...
...you already have everything you need. - But I feel alive...
...when I want something more than basic survival needs.
Wanting, whether it's intimacy with another person...
...or a pair of shoes, is beautiful.
I like that we have those ever-renewing desires, you know?
Maybe it's this sense of entitlement.
You know, like whenever you feel like you deserve that new pair of shoes?
It's okay to want things, as long as you aren't pissed off if you don't get them.
Life's hard. It's supposed to be.
If we didn't suffer, we wouldn't learn a thing, you know?
So, what, are you Buddhist, or something?
- No. - No? Why not?
I don't know. The same reason I don't really consider myself anything, really.
I decided a long time ago that I was gonna be open to everything...
...but not buy into any one and only belief system.
I went to this Trappist monastery a couple years ago.
- Trappist? - Yeah, they're Catholic. Cistercian.
- Why did you do that? - Why? I'd been doing some reading.
Thought it'd be cool. Have you ever spent any time with monks or nuns?
- No. It's not really my style. - No?
Well, I expected them to be all glowering and stern, but they weren't.
They were quick to laugh, really easy to be around.
Seriously, very attuned to everything, they were just...
You know, they weren't trying to hustle anybody.
They're trying to live and die in peace with God...
...or whatever part of them they feel is eternal.
It was just so refreshing to be around.
You realize that most of the people that you meet...
...are trying to get somewhere better.
They're trying to make more cash, get a little more respect...
...have more people admire them. It's exhausting.
- No kidding. - And it's exhausting to be one yourself.
There I am, right, you know, all greedy to be more spiritual.
"I want to be a better person," you know? You can't escape.
I had this boyfriend of mine many years ago that wanted to be a Buddhist.
So he went to Asia to visit some of those monasteries.
- I've thought about doing that too. - Yeah, you should. I'll tell you why.
He was good-looking, and each time he went to one of the monasteries...
...a monk offered to suck his cock.
True story.
It all comes down to that, doesn't it?
That's why I really admire what you're doing.
- You know? - What do you mean? Sucking cock?
- No. - No? Wrong answer.
No, I was gonna say you're not detached from life.
You're putting your passion into action.
Well, I try.
You know something? I'm gonna be on planes...
...and in an airport for the next eight hours...
I'd just love to see a little bit more of Paris.
- Would you walk with me? - Yeah.
- Do you mind? - That's great.
- Do you want to? - Let's do that. Yeah.
What do we owe here? Four-fifty?
No, I got it, I got a little per diem going on here.
- This good, for a tip? - Yeah, that's fine.
- That's more than enough. - Throw that in too.
- Is there anywhere to go around here? - It's sales day today.
- What's that? - It's when everything's on sale in Paris.
It's twice a year.
All right, let's go shopping.
No, no, no. That's a bad idea. I don't wanna inflict that on you.
It's madness. Let's just go to this garden path. It's really nice.
All right. That sounds better than shopping, actually.
Not that I wouldn't do whatever you wanted.
Sometimes I don't even need to buy anything. I just get high...
...on trying on and looking at things.
Is this where we're going?
- Yeah. - A therapist will tell you that's good.
- Really? Are you ever in therapy? - Oh, no.
- Do I seem like I'm in therapy? - I'm kidding.
- Does it help your sex problems? - My sex problems?
- I'm kidding. - Tell me the truth.
- We didn't have any problems. - No, I'm kidding.
- We didn't even have sex. - That's a joke, right?
No, we didn't. I mean, that was the whole thing.
- Of course we did. - No, no, no, we didn't.
You didn't have a condom and I never have sex without one.
I'm extremely paranoid. There's no way...
I find it scary that you don't remember what happened.
No, listen...
...I didn't write an entire book, but I kept a journal...
...and I wrote the whole night in it. That's what I meant, you idealizing it.
All right, listen, I even remember what brand of condom we used.
That's disgusting. I don't wanna hear it.
- That's not disgusting. - No.
Okay, when I get home I'll check my journal from '94, but I know I'm right.
- Wait a minute. - What?
- Was it in the cemetery? - No.
No, we went to the cemetery in the afternoon.
It was in the park, very late at night.
- In the park? - Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I can't... I can't...
Is it that forgettable? You really don't remember? In the park?
Okay. Wait a minute, I think you might be right...
You're messing with me now.
- No. - Are you messing with me?
Okay. No, I'm sorry. I think... I mean, you're right, okay?
Sometimes I put things in drawers inside my head and forget about it.
It's less painful to put things away than live with it.
What, so that night was, like, a sad memory for you?
I didn't mean that night in particular.
I meant certain things are better forgotten.
I remember that night better than I do entire years.
- Me too. - Really?
Well, I thought I did.
But maybe l... Maybe I put it away because of the fact that...
...my grandmother's funeral was the day we were supposed to meet.
It was a tough day for me, but it must've been worse for you.
It was unreal. I remember looking at her dead body in the coffin...
...at her beautiful hands, so warm, so sweet, that used to hold me...
...but nothing in that coffin resembled what I remembered of her.
All the warmth was gone.
And then I was crying, so confused if I was crying...
...because I was never gonna see her again or never gonna see you again...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to go on like this. I've been a little down this week.
- Why? - I don't know. Nothing bad, just...
Reading your book, maybe?
No, but... Thinking of how hopeful I was that summer and fall...
...and since then it's been kind of a...
I don't know.
Memory is a wonderful thing if you don't have to deal with the past.
"Memory is wonderful if you don't have to deal with the past."
Can I put that on a bumper sticker?
If you wrote a book about our night, that's a good title.
- And it could be a total different book. - Yeah, there'd be no sex scenes.
- But you know what? - What?
Now that we've met again...
...we can change our memory of that December 16.
It no longer has that sad ending of us never seeing each other again.
Right. I mean, I guess a memory's never finished as long as you're alive.
Yeah, I know. I have this memory from my childhood...
...I realized recently never happened. - What?
Well, when I was 8 or 9, my mom was so paranoid...
...when I was walking home from my piano lesson at night...
...she'd warn me about dirty old men giving me candies...
...and then showing me their pee-pees.
She was so obsessed with it that, later in life, you know...
...I had this image in my head that this really happened.
To the point that I even associated sex with that walk home.
I mean, and sometimes, even now, when I'm...
When I'm having sex, I see myself walking down that street.
I swear. It's so weird, right?
- Is that street nearby? I mean, could...? - Could we? No.
Very far.
Did you ever keep a journal when you were a kid?
Yeah. On and off, I guess.
It's funny, I read one of mine...
...from '83 the other day. - Yeah?
And what really surprised me is...
...that I was dealing with life the same way I am now.
I was much more hopeful and naive...
...but the core, and the way I was feeling things, is exactly the same.
It made me realize I haven't changed much at all.
I don't think anybody does.
People don't want to admit it, but it's like we have these innate set points...
...and nothing much that happens to us changes our disposition.
- You believe that? - I think so.
I read this study where they followed people who'd won the lottery...
...and people who'd become paraplegics.
You'd think one extreme is gonna make you euphoric and the other suicidal.
But the study shows that, after about six months...
...as soon as people had gotten used to their new situation...
...they were, more or less, the same. - The same?
Yeah. Like, if they were basically an optimistic, jovial person...
...they're now an optimistic, jovial person in a wheelchair.
If they're a petty, miserable asshole...
...they're a petty, miserable asshole with a new Cadillac, a house and a boat.
So I'll be forever depressed no matter what great things happen?
- Definitely. - Great.
No, come on, are you depressed now?
No, no, I'm not depressed.
But sometimes I worry I'll get to the end of my life...
...feeling I haven't done all I wanted to. - Well, what do you want to do?
I...
I want to paint more, I want to play my guitar every day.
I want to learn Chinese. I want to write more songs.
There's so many things I want to do, and I end up doing not much.
All right, well, let me ask you this: Do you believe in ghosts or spirits?
No.
- No? - No.
- Okay, what about reincarnation? - Not at all.
- God? - No.
- All right. - That sounds terrible. No, no, no.
But I don't want to be one of those people that don't believe in any magic.
- So then, astrology? - Yes, of course!
- There we go. - That makes sense, right?
You're a Scorpio, I'm a Sag, we get along.
No, no, no.
There's an Einstein quote I really, really like.
He said, "If you don't believe in any kind of magic or mystery...
...you're basically as good as dead." - Yeah, I like that.
I've always felt there was some kind of mystical core to the universe.
But, more recently, I've started to think that, me, my personality, whatever...
That I don't have any permanent place here, you know.
In eternity or whatever, you know.
And the more I think that, I can't go through life saying this is no big deal.
This is it. This is actually happening. What do you think is interesting?
What do you think is funny? What is important?
You know, every day's our last.
When I feel that way, I usually call my mom to tell her I love her.
- Yeah? - And she's always:
"Are you okay? Do you have cancer? Are you gonna commit suicide?"
It's almost not worth it.
So, what about us?
- What about us? - No, what I mean is...
...if we were both going to die tonight... - Like the apocalypse was coming?
No, that's too dramatic... But what if just the two of us were going to die?
I mean, would we talk about your book?
- The environment? Or... - lf today was our last day?
Yeah, what would we talk about? What would you tell me?
- Well... - That's hard, huh?
- No, no, I'll do it. - Okay.
I definitely would stop talking about my book.
- I would probably drop the environment. - Okay.
But I would still want to talk about, you know, the magic in the universe.
- I'd just want to do it from a... - What?
...a hotel room, you know...
...in between sessions of us wildly fucking until we die.
Wow. Well, why waste time with an hotel room?
Why not do it right there on a bench?
Come here, come here, come here.
Okay. We're not gonna die tonight.
All right. Too bad. I'm sorry.
That was an extreme example.
- I'm sorry. - Okay.
What l... My point was, you know...
...to truly communicate with people is very hard to do.
No, I know, most of our day-to-day exchanges...
Yeah, no, I mean...
...not to bring everything back to sex... - But why not?
No, this example, this friend of mine, she was talking about...
- She and her boyfriend... Problems in bed. - Right.